Wake up call

Every cloud has a silver lining. But what can be possibly good on being in a hospital with strong bladder inflammation?

Before I got ill, I was exercising a lot and was sad that my results were not good enough. These feelings became even stronger when I started to date a guy who was few levels better than I was. I signed myself for many races including Spartan race and in order to get the best results I was running every other day in any weather under any conditions, doing weigh training almost every day, eating healthy, loosing weight…and also working, taking care of my daughter and actually taking care of million other things. And still was not satisfied.

In my head I wasn’t good enough so I was thinking about how to get better, what new things to do. To be able to manage everything I wanted, I even started to exercise twice a day. Running in the morning, weigh training in the evening. And wanted to start with swimming, yoga and god knows what else. And I was sleeping less and less…around 5-6 hours daily.

I got used to the fact that I haven’t been ill for a long time so I was convinced nothing can happen to me. Yes, I was always taking care of warm running clothes, hot bath after run etc…but I was still pushing more and more.

And then bang! The body said enough. When the doctor told me that I had bladder inflammation again (after a month from the last one), I started to cry. I was sad, desperate, angry…and was asking myself “why?”. Why again so soon and even stronger? Because.

They brought me to the hospital and believe it or not, now I think it was actually good for me. This illness and this stay in the hospital gave me lots of time to think and to realize what I might lose if I don’t “wake up”. The body tried to warn me during Christmas with the first inflammation, pneumonia and antibiotics. But I didn’t listen. I started to run right the next day after I finished the antibiotics and went for a full training again. And so the body had to warn me again. This time much stronger.

As soon as I came to the hospital my thoughts changed. In hospital you can see the life from the other side. Suddenly there are no runners here challenging longer distances or faster times. There are no skinny ladies trying to get rid of the last stubborn fat on their butt or  toning their abs.

Here, at IKEM, at the department of nephrology where I am staying, there are people of various ages, various weights and various physical conditions, some of them can barely walk, some have fistula on their hands, some have various hoses and in most of their faces you can see pain. But what we all have in common is, that we have problems with our kidneys.

I heard some patients talking about kidney inflammations, kidney failures, dialysis, heart problems, diabetes and other illnesses and complications. And that is exactly what I don’t want! To get some serious illness, complications or even worse – to lose my kidney and go back to dialysis. No, no, NO! Nothing in my life (except my daughter, but that’s incomparable) is worth experiencing problems with my kidney! How the hell could I have ever forgotten about that?! I went through so many hard times and pain to come to this point and I am just not willing to give it up for some stupid ideas!

So, lesson learned, really. I do promise here publicly that from now on I will not act as an idiot. I will only exercise in a way that it couldn’t harm me and I will always put my health to the first place. Maybe I should find some trainer who has experience in training people with certain illnesses or disabilities. Probably I should also set me some real goal like what races I want to run and how fast etc…will definitely have to think about it and come up with a plan. But sky is not the limit anymore. My healthy transplanted kidney is. My health is.

Dear body, thank you for reminding me this.

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