Looking for a man. The man.

When I was a teenager I was always dreaming about everlasting love that actually happens on the first sight. When you meet handsome guy, he gives you bunch of roses, kisses you and you know it’s gonna last forever. Yes, I have always been that super romantic type influenced by magazines for teenagers where these situations happen regularly.

I met my husband via internet (ICQ to be precise) and I didn’t like him much until we started to talk via long and intimate emails. I also didn’t like much how he looked like when I saw him for the first time (tall, skinny guy with very short hair and rock clothes – I was Barbie wanna be person at that time).

And yet things turned out the way that we stayed together for 15 years (and most of the time I was convinced we would stay together forever). We went through heaven and hell together and end up divorced but friends. Maybe weird for someone but true. Anyway, this post was not meant to be about my relationship with my ex-husband, yet it has lots to do with the real subject.

When I was in the hospital (again), I had lots of time to think, which can be helpful but also dangerous. Among other thoughts, I was thinking about Lukas (the trainer) and our first meeting. We actually met because of his dating agency, he just wanted to get to know me. Simple. I remember that one of his questions was why I wanted all men that would potentially meet me to know that I had transplanted kidney. It kind of surprised me and I didn’t know how to react.

For me this question was sign of that he had no idea what it meant to have a transplanted kidney but I didn’t know how to explain without actually scaring him. I don’t remember exactly what I answered to him but I still remember that question and from time to time it pops up in my head.

Like it did in the hospital. I realized that probably healthy people are not fully able to understand the ill or in some way disabled ones. I know that in my case being ill is not the correct expression because unless I have some complications like inflammation or pneumonia, I live pretty normal life – I go to work, take care of my daughter, exercise, run, cook, clean…name it. But the difference comes WHEN there is a complication and the real issue is actually in the “what if” and “when it comes to”.

At the moment I am  living pretty normal life. But what if my kidney fails and what my life will be when it comes to going on dialysis again?

Back to my ex-husband. When we met, I was more or less healthy person. During the time my condition was slowly getting worse. Then it became really bad and the first transplantation came. And then the fail. And the dialysis with all the terrible cramps, headaches, depressions. And then the second transplantation. And happiness. But all this was continuous process that we went through together. Sure, we got divorced in the end, but it had nothing to do with my health condition.

And now I am trying to find someone new, who would not only fell in love with me but also accepted my past, current and also future health condition. The problem is where to start? When I meet someone, when and how actually tell him about this situation? When I was with my ex-husband we went through everything continuously. It was just happening on the way but now I am trying it the opposite way. To bring someone to the situation that is actually already happening.

And as I was thinking about it at the hospital, I was thinking about that maybe the best way how to find someone like that might be looking for people who have either similar problems like me or have experienced something similar with their family members or friends or just with someone close. On one side it might be good that they would count with what might happen, on the other side they might be scared to experience something like this again. Who knows. Anyway, the problem is still the same – Where to start?

I tried to look up some community or group of people with similar problem but didn’t find anything so far. So I started to think about creating one which would allow meeting people with variety of disabilities or illnesses who want to live normal life but need help when some type of complication comes. And maybe they also want to find understanding partner who is willing to bear their fate with them and just accept they are not perfect. It is simple to accept that someone is not perfect if you are not perfect as well.

I have no idea if I will be able to create such community and if I am, if it helps me with my problem but I am sure that trying this is way better than not doing anything at all.


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