Despair

This feeling has been my friend for some time now. Approximately from the beginning of this month. Why? I have no idea. It was supposed to be exactly the opposite as last month was pretty good and I even made my record in the amount of ran kilometers and I was looking forward to going to my parents for vacation that started on 1st of July. We planned with my dad that we would go running and cycling and do lots of things.

The vacation was pretty good, my parents have cottage at Lipno, which is the biggest water reservoir in Czech republic and it is surrounded by very beautiful nature.  It was a bit cold, cloudy and sometimes even rainy during the first few days but then it was great weather so we were going for walks, mushrooming, swimming to the lake or just relaxing at the garden. But even though everything was fine, I felt somehow nervous. I can’t tell why.

I am always very tired at the beginning when I come there probably because of the air change. I call it oxygen poisoning. And so I was sleeping and just doing nothing a lot. I even didn’t have mood to go running. And I was eating all that awesome tasty but unhealthy food my mom was cooking. Which resulted in gaining some weight. Not much, like two kilos maybe but I was definitely not happy about it. But still wasn’t able to do anything. Some kind of laziness jumped on me.

When I came back, after 3 hours of terrible travel by train in 36 degrees, I started to feel depressed. I came to my flat and started to cry. Heavily. It was very weird as I didn’t understand what was going on. I suddenly started to terribly miss my daughter and I also missed my parents and I just wanted to turn around and go back to the cottage.

And since then I feel like crap. I feel said, despair, unhappy, don’t have mood or strength to do anything. It gets a bit better when I am at work as I have lots of things to do and also there are many people and sometimes they smile and tell jokes and do funny things so it makes me feel way better, but as soon as I leave the office I start to feel bad again. I feel very lonely, weak and tired. I just come home, switch on TV and watch whatever is there till about midnight and then go to bed. I haven’t been running for more than two weeks now, haven’t exercise, actually I haven’t been doing anything else then just working and watching TV the last week.

I wanted to go to Lukas’ training on Thursday and was really looking forward to it as I was hoping it would start my better mood again. But unfortunately just few hours before the training I started to feel dizzy, even felt like having higher temperature and started to have head ache and almost lost my voice. So I probably got cold from the air conditioning and also found out that I got my period. I just felt very bad so instead of going to the training, I decided to go home earlier. When I came home I just took some painkillers and went to bed. What an bad coincidence.

It also didn’t help to hear about the events in Nice or in Turkey…what the hell is going on with this world? It was never safe but it is getting worse and worse.

Anyway…this post is almost about nothing and I just feel terrible…don’t know why I am even writing this.

 

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